StackOverflow for... marketing questions?!

Yesterday I saw this question and got to thinking... what would a Q&A site for marketing questions look like? What would people ask? I then got to thinking about how tech products get marketed and this post is the result. It's my take on StackOverflow for marketing.

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I have to name a new video card my company is releasing. What do I do?

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4 Answers

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Our extensive research around the water cooler has clearly indicated that geeks LOVE Xs. Therefore we have the following rules about naming video cards:

  1. It must have a 3 or 4 digit number;
  2. Put as many X's as possible in. Geeks LOVE X's; and
  3. To break up XXX sequences with the obvious connotations, break it up with 'GT';

Thus you can see the ULTIMATE video card name is the X1900 XTX. If only we'd named it the XX1900 XXGTXX, Nvidia would now be bankrupt.

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+1 Wow! Truly Amazing! Geeks and Xs!!! - PRweenie
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My company has spent billions on making a new version of our operating system. It doesn't really do anything more than the old one. It just has really bloated hardware requirements for a pretty interface noone uses. How do we convince people to buy it?

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Firstly, you kill off the old operating system even though people are happily using them. They'll have to upgrade eventually.

Secondly, you steadily release software and features that only works on the new operating system.

Next, release a bewildering array of versions so your customers think you provide everything. It's also important to make them choose things like if they want a 32 or 64 bit operating system as that's the kind of decision most consumers are well-informed about and like to make.

Next, when it flops, just wait a year, bump up the version, change the name and rerelease it as the new and improved version even though it's basically the same thing.

Don't forget to needlessly ramp up hardware requirements. Customers will surely buy new PCs because they'll be so keen to get their hands on your new OS.

Last, use your monopoly power to force all OEMs to ship it on new PCs whether customers want it or not.

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Apparently our shiny new phones have a new feature our researchers are calling 'data' and it comes in something called 'megabytes'. How much can I charge for it?

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Well, you give them enough of a free allowance that they'll actually use it for browsing and them wallop them with excess charge fees of say $100/gigabyte (apparently if you put 1000 megabytes together they form a gigabyte!) when they go above their quota.

Next charge them $1/minute to talk on their phones but give them $300 of credit for their $40 monthly fee and call it a "cap". This way when they go over there are more excess fees!

Now you're charging about $10,000/gigabyte. Wow! How does that work? Well, apparently voice is "data"! And apparently a minute of voice is about 100 kilobytes of data so you are giving them 100K for $1, which is $10,000 per gigabyte. And people are happy to pay it!

P.S. Make sure you pressure your handset manufacturer to disable Skype being used over 3G!

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2 comments:

kieranishere said...

Hahaha, I particulary like the video card answer!

zalun said...

Just one thing - a minute of voice is apparently a little bit more than 100kb ...

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